A tear ... A strength

Posted by AM at 7/11/2006

On that ESP train leaving Rome to Naples, here she was. With her long black hair, curled up by the window, tears were streaming down her cheeks - eyes constantly glossy. At times, she would take a deep breath. Apart from that, she barely made a sound but I could hear her cries, I could see the heartbreak in her eyes, I could feel her pain.

On that flight heading towards Milan few days later, I see her again. This time, hiding her heartbreak in her eyes behind golden bangs. She unsuccessfully tries to choke her tears, dark sunglasses her last attempt to hide herself.

Three years ago I was there. Somewhere between Rome and Milan, I was there, in that same world they were caught in this June 2006. I remember how the pain in my heart created what seemed to be an endless flood of tears for days followed by regular and intense showers for many months.

I felt this strong urge to give each of them a hug and tell them that things will be ‘better’ –a ‘better’ they would not understand at this stage I’d dare to assume. I badly wanted to shout in their ears that the tears they are shedding will only make them become stronger, that these outbreaks will only help them get through their pain, disappointment and frustration and heal their wounds, that breathing the way they’re doing is not a weakness, nothing to be ashamed of, nothing that they need to hide but rather a means of surviving … yes, that things will be better after all.

And there I was, crying again this year. They say that ‘every heartache holds a remembering’ and I’m afraid it is true. Just when I thought that my pain has long gone, seeing them, feeling them combined with coping with a new personal emotional challenge brought back a great deal of sorrow. I cried for quite a few days but with one major development this time. I cried while knowing deep down that my tears will strengthen me, free me and help me overcome this new challenge. I just hope that deep down they knew it too or will realize it soon at least … it just makes things more tolerable and gives us hope for better days.

12 comments:

Mar said...

Where is he to wipe your tears away?

Mirvat said...

simply beautiful :)
somewhere between san remo and milan, i lost my heart. found it again in rome

carmel said...

Very symbolic and expressive painting!
Picasso style!!notice the full eye falling rather than tears dropping, to symbolise the very deep sorrow!
It very well describes the inside pain you have been experiencing.
It's true AM that when we're in such a situation we are unable to see the hope, or the end of our sorrow, we only discover it with time.And you did discover it right?
Nice blog entry and sharp painting choice!

the perpetual refugee said...

I didn't realize it was possible to cry in Italy. Each time I go there, I am overjoyed. Not even that really. Just content. Happy. Fulfilled in some strange way. In a country that is not my own, yet with with I have such a connection.

I hope your tears, those very ones that seem to have transformed from sadness to strength, turn into tears of joy.

Coco said...

Uffffft, bala Italia iza heyk (Who needs Italy if Italy makes you cry?) ;)

I ask the same question Mar asked w law fikeh ttammnineh 3annik in private with more details please.

I love the painting. Mezew'a (great taste), Am_pm!

-> Going to check Grandizer's blog right after this :-D

Anonymous said...

Ok
Did i miss something??? the previous blog was a Happy one, and now it is a Sad one....What changed??? why the Sorrow???
AM You either are on some kind of medication, or you probably should be hehehe...These kind of mood swings are not Normal...my dear
Regards
Sami

moral ground said...

Gosh... I'm Grandeizer... isn't it obvious??

Anonymous said...

OK AM!!!
You asked for it... so here it is!

Inno just the sight of 2 women made you cry? Stop being a cry baby and act ur age for God's sake.
No matter what you saw, it's no excuse to cry ur eyes out.
Carmel I know that it must've been weird for you to watch her cry like that...

Just kidding... you know that!!!

AM Dakhilo ana your moods. One minute ur happy, the other ur playful, and another ur so sad that no one dares to be near you!

One word of advice:
DON'T EVER CHANGE!!!
That's what makes you... YOU!

Cheers
"P"

honkeie2 said...

I always want to hug strangers who cry in public....well women, not men. Sorry men who cry in publick scar me.

insomniac said...

very late to comment but i must agree... tears make us stronger... i know it even in my darkest hour... you're one strong person for sure to know that :)

AM said...

Hehe, almost 3 years later, you make me drop by this post again Insomniac ... as strange as it may seem, i was pondering few nights ago why and how the hell i am no longer able to cry, even though logically i have every reason to ... new limits of strength? ... not sure but it sure doesn't feel that right, i tell you.

insomniac said...

i know the feeling... up until a couple of days ago i hadn't cried for a VERY long time although my life gives me every reason to!!!!

i guess we stop crying because of the little things... and our systems try to bypass the crying and we automatically think we're stronger that way... but we end up crying at some point, it will come, don't rush it....

it's a relief to know that it makes us stronger because you'll need to hold on to that during your next big cry :) hang in there!